I was never cool, yeah never

Ill be the first to admit that as a kid I was afraid of everything, and I mean everything. I was not one to jump off the high dive (another first this year), I was more nervous about driving than a teenage boy should ever be, and I joined football only cause dad wanted me to, and that lasted about two weeks, it just made no sense to let those gigantic(5'3", Navajos aren't tall on average), hulking( average 120lbs, again, genetics) guys plow me over. I can still see the crumpled up jersey that stayed in the bottom of my locker, all year. Of course I realize now that it is more a state of mind than anything. Why do I realize that? Dougan Blain (names have been changed to protect the dorky). Dougan is the quintessential geeky, nervous awkward, clumsy 13 year old that well, was me. Albiet he is a little more brash and outspoken than I was, kids seem a little more vocal these days. But he is a kid, and I was a kid once, so I can relate. I think. I'm not understanding the disconnect here, what makes Dougan/adolescent me so afraid to try? I wanted to be part of the crowd as much as any kid, and there were things I refused not to do. Dougan couldn't repel down a 40ft cliff at summer camp, but I was thrilled to do it at his age. We both overcame the High Jump Fear, albeit I just closed my eyes and walked off. I don't care what you say, falling is a stupid sensation. He needed a little more encouragement, but he did eventually do it. So what is it? What it the switch that determines weather or not we will take that last step off the high dive? Does it mean I'm not brave? Am I weak?  I'm no Behavioral Psychologist, but here is my theory: Self Confidence, yeah. I had enough self confidence in my lack of cajones that I didn't need to impress any one. No matter that "she" was never interested in dating me, no matter that "they" never invited me to parties, I had  tons of time to myself to dream and plan and plot... yeah see where this is going?

There is a balance, I'm sure. I think Ill keep pushing, cause someone always pushed me. I was fortunate enough to have good support, so I need to provide that too. Now just apply this to my own children...

Lovell Arba(y) Lambson, the biggest short guy I ever knew.

We laid our Grandpa to rest today. It was an awesome service that was full of humor and sweet sadness, longing and peace(and lots of music). I don't think it hit me until they started playing Taps as they lowered the casket. Our cousin Eli gave one of the neatest eulogies I have ever heard, as soon as I get a copy I will post it here. Grandpa was a great guy, Eli was right, he made us all feel loved. I never realized how much I thought he knew me personally. He had calm demeanor but could get rowdy if need be. He had a sense of humor that I would have liked to see more of. He had a walk more signature than any thing John Wayne ever had, and his hands... they were the physical manifestations of his hardworking, tried and tested and very gentle spirit. I only knew them like they were when he died; misshapen, calloused, and worn. I never even thought to ask if they hurt, he never said anything about them. And he did some amazing things with them; made tables out of ceder trees, built a garage out of old ammo boxes and probably wipped any "old boy" that ever crossed him! He loved his country, and had the Gettysburg Address, and thousands more speeches, poems and sonnets memorized than I can imagine. My parents and brothers were here the night before the funeral and we got to just talk and remember. Steven said something about sumer days on his lawn, when he would crack open a watermelon and have us grab a slice. I thought, "Summer smells like Grandpas yard on a watermelon day." He was a great man, and we all agreed that if we could live to be a tenth the person he was, we might just make it.

Roller Skating or Warrior Spirit Unleashed!

I have been roller skating/blading all of 3 times in my life, so you can imagine my "excitement" when the youth decided to go to the local rink on Wednesday night. It would have been no big deal not have attached those rolling macinations of death to my feet, I'm a leader, I could hang out supervising, watching the World Series thing that was apparently on at the time. No big deal, no expectations no pressure, right? HA! Are you kidding? Never was there more pressure! I have had more "firsts" trying to impress and/or encourage these guys then my fragile, IT-professional body can handle. So I strapped up and lighted upon the reinforced vinyl-covered-concrete-steel-reinforced surface that seemed to scream for my face to impact it. It was not as bad as I remembered, I am first and foremost an observer, so I observed. The shifting of weight as the back leg angled out to propel one forward, the fluid transition from toe to heel, and the graceful and effortless turn as we melded in with the flow of the group. It wasn't very long before I left the 5 year olds and was pretty much catching up with the teenagers. So I skated, fell a couple of times, but mostly skated. It was fun. I got up to pretty good speed, it felt good. Then it was time to go, time to return to the 7' gap that was the exit off the rink. It was an experiance I can only describe as re-entry. There are no breaks, there is a break, when applied, instantly stops the forward progression of ONE leg. Now I'm no physics major but even I could see what was coming. The doctors say I'll only have to wear the brace for 6 weeks. OK, that last part was a little embellished, but it does hurt.