I was never cool, yeah never

Ill be the first to admit that as a kid I was afraid of everything, and I mean everything. I was not one to jump off the high dive (another first this year), I was more nervous about driving than a teenage boy should ever be, and I joined football only cause dad wanted me to, and that lasted about two weeks, it just made no sense to let those gigantic(5'3", Navajos aren't tall on average), hulking( average 120lbs, again, genetics) guys plow me over. I can still see the crumpled up jersey that stayed in the bottom of my locker, all year. Of course I realize now that it is more a state of mind than anything. Why do I realize that? Dougan Blain (names have been changed to protect the dorky). Dougan is the quintessential geeky, nervous awkward, clumsy 13 year old that well, was me. Albiet he is a little more brash and outspoken than I was, kids seem a little more vocal these days. But he is a kid, and I was a kid once, so I can relate. I think. I'm not understanding the disconnect here, what makes Dougan/adolescent me so afraid to try? I wanted to be part of the crowd as much as any kid, and there were things I refused not to do. Dougan couldn't repel down a 40ft cliff at summer camp, but I was thrilled to do it at his age. We both overcame the High Jump Fear, albeit I just closed my eyes and walked off. I don't care what you say, falling is a stupid sensation. He needed a little more encouragement, but he did eventually do it. So what is it? What it the switch that determines weather or not we will take that last step off the high dive? Does it mean I'm not brave? Am I weak?  I'm no Behavioral Psychologist, but here is my theory: Self Confidence, yeah. I had enough self confidence in my lack of cajones that I didn't need to impress any one. No matter that "she" was never interested in dating me, no matter that "they" never invited me to parties, I had  tons of time to myself to dream and plan and plot... yeah see where this is going?

There is a balance, I'm sure. I think Ill keep pushing, cause someone always pushed me. I was fortunate enough to have good support, so I need to provide that too. Now just apply this to my own children...